Wed 11th January 2012

"Just pop your trousers off would you?"

What is it about doctors' training that they have to say "pop" your trousers off, rather than "take" them off? How do I "pop" my trousers off? If it were a skintight pair of Mexican nightclub crooner's trousers with snappy elastic I might be able to satisfy her, but my Geography Lecturer in Minor Welsh University cord trousers allow of no plosive bottom slapping.

I lay on the examination bed, aware of my navy blue pants and the outline of my penis. She bent my leg with its swollen knee this way and that.

I got dressed and she started asking me about my drinking. Last month, doctors in the UK were issued with a directive to ask "lifestyle questions". Not about the kind of music we like or what sort of interior décor we favour, but things like how much we drink. "Well, a bit. I'm fully aware it exceeds the recommended levels." Yes but what about my knee?

She said "I'm going to do a blood test, and a liver test too." She printed off five pages of notes about Drinking Myths and Facts. But also a prescription for some codeine, so it was worth being hectored. I took my myths and facts to read in the pub. Neil and his lover were there. "My doctor thinks I drink too much, for some reason." We got pissed and I accidentally, not deliberately, left the notes in the pub.

There's a saying "You're only an alcoholic if you can't afford it." I gave up drink for Lent a few years ago and the only advantage I felt was in my pocket.

Oooh, 12 comments!

12 comments

Comment from: The Unbearable Banishment

"Pop" so that you don't confuse it with foreplay.

The world is populated with functional alcoholics. Let's leave us be, yes?

Fix your open tag, please. It's like a shirt that's not buttoned properly.

Wed 11th January 2012 @ 22:40

Comment from: looby

Oops - tags hanging out. Not a good look. With trousers on or off.

Thu 12th January 2012 @ 06:25

Comment from: nursemyra

I like the admonition to "Make yours a shandy"

That's a euphemism for hand job isn't it?

Thu 12th January 2012 @ 08:20

Comment from: looby

It is indeed Nursey, as the similarities in the efflorescence of the spume in both instances have long been noted. I can't speak for the taste.

Thu 12th January 2012 @ 08:22

Comment from: Furtheron

I remember the "... only if you can't afford it" one. Unfortunately fate had degreed that through utter luck I was in a job that paid insane amounts of money to me. When I gave up and spent a few weeks in rehab my Mrs took over the financial reigns for the first time ever... "What do you do with the £900 that is left over every month"... er... drink it...

Someone told me (I have no corroboration of the facts of this btw)that the "afford it" statement isn't about money. I prefer the AA one - "Is it costing you more than money?"

I have to laugh at the "don't drink for 2 days a week" nonsense from the minister. I can see 100s if not 1000s desperate alcoholics now completely rearranging their complicated drinking lives to not drink on Monday and Thursday or whatever just so they can slur every other day that they do what the govt told them. I used to for years give up for lent to show everyone... but I knew come Easter I'd be back where I wanted to be.

Thu 12th January 2012 @ 08:59

Comment from: ISBW

Next time a doctor asks me about how many 'units' I drink, I'm going to ask THEM about how many visits to the Controlled Drugs cupboard they've made this week.

Thu 12th January 2012 @ 08:59

Comment from: Furtheron

Oh - hope the knee gets sorted out

Thu 12th January 2012 @ 09:01

Comment from: young at heart

And did she also ask you to 'hop' onto the bed too? Still .....you have the codeine.........lucky chap!!

Thu 12th January 2012 @ 10:49

Comment from: looby

F: A much missed blogger once said "Alcohol is kept in a separate account in my mind." It's like that with me too.

I made my knee a lot worse by dancing for many long hours over the w/e but Matron is going to take me in hand next week. I might trying say it's really painful, because this codeine is brilliant.

ISBW: Do that. And get us a copy of the key if you can.

YAH: Yes - "hop" that's another one. Going to a doctor nowadays is like going to a low-key medically-themed rap performance.

Yo Mr Laine you say you're pain
Is it your knee well show it to me
Pop off your pants and hop on the table
I'm the doctor and I'll do what I'm able
But you got to think about the drink
and pour it down the sink

etc., etc., I make you better, and stop the nauseum (That's enough - Ed.)

Thu 12th January 2012 @ 11:18

Comment from: daisyfae

i have worried that i've stepped on the path to alcoholism, but realized i'm just a drunk. can go a week or more without a drop, and not really miss it.

summed up nicely by the phrase: "i'm not an alcoholic, they go to meetings. I'm a drunk. We go to parties."

Thu 12th January 2012 @ 12:05

Comment from: Homer

I think they get some sort of bonus for the proportion of their patients they can claim are living healthily. Last time I went I saw the nurse drop my weekly units from my reported 16 (well, everyone halves it, don't they?) to the Holy Grail of 14; then she ticked a box saying I regularly examined my breasts even though I had clearly said I didn't, ever.

At least neither of us are fat, or smoke.

Thu 12th January 2012 @ 19:15

Comment from: looby

DF: That's a cracker of a quote. Going to remember that one! Thanks :)

H: That makes sense. The English box-ticking obssession.

Fri 13th January 2012 @ 10:09

Comment feed for this post

Certain posts are password-protected. If you'd like to read them, please

looby, n.; pl. loobies. A lout; an awkward, stupid, clownish person

M / 48 / Lancaster ("the Brighton of the North").

Drinker, father to triplet girls. Bits of editing, proofreading and generally picking fault with others.

WLTM literate woman, 30-63. Must have nice tits, a PhD, and an mdma factory in the shed, although the first on its own will do in the short term.

There are plenty of bastards who drink moderately. Of course, I don't consider them to be people. They are not our comrades.
Sergei Korovin, quoted in Pavel Krusanov, The Blue Book of the Alcoholic

I am here to change my life. I am here to force myself to change my life.
Chinese man I met during Freshers Week at Lancaster University, 2008

The more democratised art becomes, the more we recognise in it our own mediocrity.
James Meek

I hate the iPod; I hate the idea that music is such a personal thing that you can just stick some earplugs in your ears and have an experience with music. Music is a social phenomenon, and it’s about sharing with each other a certain oral tradition, ultimately.
Jeremy Wagner

La vie poetique has its pleasures, and readings--ideally a long way from home--are one of them. I can pretend to be George Szirtes.
George Szirtes

One good thing about being a Marxist is that you don't have to pretend to like work.
Terry Eagleton, What Is A Novel?, Lancaster University, 1 Feb 2010

The working man is a fucking loser.
Mick, The Golden Lion, Lancaster, 21 Mar 2011