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How to prepare for a job interview

  Tue 10th May 2016

1. Go on a two-day, two-night bender in Leeds with a couple of good friends who consider 11am a decent time to start a-drinking and a-chopping -- I mean, for the ingredients for a three-course meal involving pomegranates and za'atar from the Guardian, no idea what you were thinking for a moment there. Was it fuck, we hardly ate anything. We were working our way through Kim's meow-meow, which is such a forgiving drug. She shusshes her clothes off (is that her bra?) before getting into the sexless bed that we share.

2. Get up at the crack of dawn after three hours' sleep to get the train back to Lancaster. Wangle a successful half-arsed story to the guard about not having a valid ticket. Make a reckless offer to a homeless person to come and live in my house. Swap numbers. Felt the right thing at the time, now regret it.

3. Get back. Attend to one's toilet, remembering to apply the Quackery Cream -- tradename: Clarins Baume Beauté Eclair crème anti-fatigue visage -- which Kitty gave me once, implicitly suggesting I've got a face which might benefit from a potion which claims to réduit l'apparence des rides.

4. Do five minutes on Gargle as research.

5. Forget to go over the largely made-up cv that secured me the interview and worry about not remembering the lies.

6. Realise I do not possess a tie, so have to divert to the chazzer to buy one. This makes me late and I end up having to get a taxi. The taxi driver's stink of BO and poorly-evacuated smoke fills the vehicle. "Difficult to get out of there sometimes, isn't it?" I say, anxiety rising as we take an age to get onto the main road. Ignorant fagging Morecambe get doesn't reply, and I make a note to pay him the exact fare only.

I haven't had a job interview for years and it was hard work. I was nervous and I did an impression of a Parkinsons as I drank the water they gave me, wobbly glass. Endless "scenario" questions. After forty-five minutes I thought I was about to be let out, but there was a typing test, in which I typed badly, (I'm a good typist) and a filing one (easier).

I won't find out till Saturday. And all that for 7.27 an hour. It's Morecambe though; you can hear the hiss of deflating wages as you cross the parish boundary at Torrisholme.

4 comments

The more interviews you go on, the better you get at it. Take my word for it. When I was in the throes of joblessness with a mortgage and two kids, I was interviewing constantly. I began to play those HR reps like a concert master conducts an orchestra. It gets easier.

Wed 11th May 2016 @ 12:11
Comment from: [Member]

Yes, I’m sure it can only get easier. I really did feel wrung out by the end of it. I was sweating and shaking, and once you notice yourself responding in that way you can get into a bad loop of making yourself more anxious by trying to control yourself. I don’t understand it – I’m not even that bothered about getting it!

Wed 11th May 2016 @ 12:21
Comment from: kono [Visitor]

For some reason this reminded me of the scene in Trainspotting when Spud and Renton are going in for their mandatory job interview and both dab at the speed before they go in… well played mon ami.

and the reason i don’t put that url thing in is it kicks me out for some reason if i do, then again i’m a technological moron.

Sat 14th May 2016 @ 13:43
Comment from: isabelle [Visitor]

I still marvel at your drug/booze tolerance levels! Two night benders are a thing of the past for me I fear.
I can imagine you working in a bookies somehow and I’m sure it’d make for some great blog posts.

Sat 14th May 2016 @ 16:26


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