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I discuss nipples with a woman

  Fri 10th July 2020

I am greeted at Hayley's door with enthusiastic oral attention. Details are sometimes difficult to extract from Hayley, but she said she acquired the dog from someone whose boyfriend was getting jealous of it. I smiled to coat a sigh, wondering when she'd pass it on again, and how much I'd get lumbered with its walks and welfare. He's a meaty Staffie, friendly and well-behaved. I haven't heard him bark once in a week.

En route to the park, to which I now take a latex glove to handle the saliva-shined ball, I have to encourage him off a passing neighbour. "He's a boy," I respond to her question. "But he's got nipples," she says. "Yes but so have I."

Hayley's friend Faye was here at the weekend. We went to a pub garden which looks like a film set for a sitcom about the eco-slumming middle classes whose wigger hairstyles and turned-up dungarees are nested in half-million-pound houses. I felt a simmering disgust at them, blithely ordering rounds when a simple pint of cider was £4.50.

We went back to Hayley's slovenly street with its unapologetic public drinking, and played Rude Scrabble until dawn, tittering like children and arguing about whether "ox" is a rude word. "Yeah, but, you could say 'you've got a cock like an ox'," I proposed.

Hayley and Harry went to bed. What for, I don't know: despite him saying to me the other day "...because I'm quite into her, really," he hasn't been into her for several weeks now.

Me and Faye left together in the afternoon. She was off to work her tightly-trousered charm on the crack dealer. I went to the pub and tried to resume my correspondence with Wendy's dad, but my eyes wouldn't let me.

Dear looby

Thank you for attending your selection event for the vacancy at Discipline and Punish.

This vacancy attracted a number of highly qualified applicants and after careful consideration of all of the applications we are sorry to tell you that you have not been selected for appointment.

However, as you were a strong candidate we would like to keep your name on a reserve list. This list will be valid for 12 months from the date of this correspondence and if another vacancy arises for the same position we will contact you.

Shame, quite fancied flouncing around a courtroom.



Comment from: Scarlet [Visitor]

You have a dog!!!
Having a dog IS a full time job as you will discover. Take care of him.
And I reckon there are other ways of getting to flounce around in a courtroom!!

Fri 10th July 2020 @ 14:04 Reply to this comment
Comment from: looby [Visitor]

No, no! I’m far too selfish to take on a dog. Hayley’s the dog owner.

I’ve had some experience of courtrooms, but I thought I’d have a bash at changing sides.

Fri 10th July 2020 @ 15:08 Reply to this comment
Comment from: monkey man [Visitor]

I’ve promised various people that you were going to be a court usher & would have considered it myself.

Sat 11th July 2020 @ 14:43 Reply to this comment
Comment from: looby [Visitor]

Yeah — it’s a bastard, one of the very few jobs I’ve applied for recently that I wouldn’t have minded doing, especially for the 20K consideration. Never mind, onwards and sideways.

Sat 11th July 2020 @ 18:59 Reply to this comment
Comment from: monkey man [Visitor]

Please write something. I’ve broken two toes tripping on the barrel organ while trying to whack a criminal & am desperate for low amusement.

Can I publish you if your other deals aren’t progressing? I sold two pots of jam and a kazoo today.

Mon 13th July 2020 @ 20:06 You are currently replying to this comment
Comment from: looby [Visitor]

Two broken toes? That’ll be fun, what with a meandering young child too. What did the cad try to do?

Well, don’t get too excited, but the next shovel load of verbiage onto this ever more voluminous fardel will be here within the hour.

Tue 14th July 2020 @ 10:54 Reply to this comment

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looby, n.; pl. loobies. A lout; an awkward, stupid, clownish person

M / 58 / Bristol, "the most beautiful, interesting and distinguished city in England" -- John Betjeman [1961, source eludes me].

"Looby is a left-wing intellectual who is obsessed with a) women's clothes and b) tits." -- Joy of Bex.

WLTM literate woman, 40-65. Must have nice tits, a PhD, and an mdma factory in the shed, although the first on its own will do in the short term.

There are plenty of bastards who drink moderately. Of course, I don't consider them to be people. They are not our comrades.
Sergei Korovin, quoted in Pavel Krusanov, The Blue Book of the Alcoholic

I am here to change my life. I am here to force myself to change my life.
Chinese man I met during Freshers Week at Lancaster University, 2008

The more democratised art becomes, the more we recognise in it our own mediocrity.
James Meek

Tell me, why is it that even when we are enjoying music, for instance, or a beautiful evening, or a conversation in agreeable company, it all seems no more than a hint of some infinite felicity existing apart somewhere, rather than actual happiness – such, I mean, as we ourselves can really possess?
Turgenev, Fathers and Sons

I hate the iPod; I hate the idea that music is such a personal thing that you can just stick some earplugs in your ears and have an experience with music. Music is a social phenomenon.
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La vie poetique has its pleasures, and readings--ideally a long way from home--are one of them. I can pretend to be George Szirtes.
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Using words well is a social virtue. Use 'fortuitous' once more to mean 'fortunate' and you move an English word another step towards the dustbin. If your mistake took hold, no-one who valued clarity would be able to use the word again.
John Whale

One good thing about being a Marxist is that you don't have to pretend to like work.
Terry Eagleton, What Is A Novel?, Lancaster University, 1 Feb 2010

The working man is a fucking loser.
Mick, The Golden Lion, Lancaster, 21 Mar 2011

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