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Divorce

  Mon 20th November 2017

Helen is over from Norway, but a chatty afternoon in the pub turns sour. Helen blithely says that she is going round to Kitty's to have a couple of drinks with her and Wendy. On the phone to Kitty she says that I am coming along, then there's a bit of "oh, oh, right, yeah."

Because Wendy's daughter will be there, I am subject to the injunction by Wendy's ex, prohibiting my attendance at any gathering where The Little Dictator will also be present. "No, I can't come Helen, I'm not allowed."

I am angry and upset in equal measure, and I text Wendy. From memory: "I know it's difficult for you and you have to negotiate [the Ex], but I'd be very grateful if you could resolve this thing where my social life with my closest friends is still controlled by him. You did promise to sort this out months ago."

She replied, saying that The Little Dictator was ill so they can't go anyway. I went up to Kitty's for an hour or so, but the cloud of the injunction hovered over us. Kitty urged on me a greater understanding of how Wendy is under pressure enough, having to keep on the right side of a man she'd have nothing to do with were it not for the The Little Dictator, how he's got a powerful weapon of control over her -- the withdrawal of his time looking after The Little Dictator, which even now is granted with great reluctance if it's for Wendy's social life. She has to lie to him if she is seeing me.

The following morning, still incensed, I text Wendy to say that I consider ourselves estranged. I inform Kitty and Helen that I have done so, which provokes unanimous condemnation. In the week afterwards, I think of nothing but Wendy. I am unable to make up my mind whether I am relieved to have severed relations with her, ashamed of my petulance and self-centredness, whilst having occasional moments of feeling liberated at last from the way I allow her to have a hold over me in the pursuit of an impossible Wertheresque romance.

After a week, I dropped this postcard round, relenting with a written sincerity I did not fully feel, resenting that I am not allowed to knock at her door and hand it over in person, lest I breach my injunction.

A further week passed, and she replied by text thanking me for my postcard and saying that she didn't know what to say. After a day or two I said that I am truly sorry, and I hoped we could resume intercourse. "I'm sure that would be possible, you fucking boundah X". There's been only desultory contact between us since.

14 comments

Nice penmanship. I don’t think you’ve written about her in a bit. I was hoping you turned a corner and were, at long last, FREE. An attorney-free divorce.

Tue 21st November 2017 @ 12:00
Comment from: daisyfae [Visitor]

Clearly, it is a very frustrating situation. You are prohibited from sharing part of her life due to er ex-husband. Circumstances beyond your control - but you feel as though Wendy could take a stronger stand?

Is part of your response (walking away) hoping that she would come screaming back to you, saying that she will take that stronger stand?

i’ve done that before. My mistake? Not having a contingency plan for when that didn’t happen…

Tue 21st November 2017 @ 14:13
Comment from: looby [Visitor]

Fuck I’ve just written a reply to you both and it’s disappeared.

Basically, it was saying that Wendy will never take a stronger stand with him on my account, because I’m not worth it to her. That knowledge is a liberation and an education. I am sick of my dependency on her, I am sick of how foolish I am, I am sick of how I am being a typical dependent, needy man imagining a relationship. This break is good.

If we ever met in person D, I would love to hear about your failed contingency plan.

Now I’m going to copy and paste all this in case it disappears again.

Tue 21st November 2017 @ 22:57
Comment from: daisyfae [Visitor]

i never had that plan. ended up being a mealy-mouthed little wormgirl, pretending that i really didn’t mean it, that i was fine with his level of engagement in our relationship (even though i wasn’t) just to be able to spend any amount of time with him as his back up babe… and i’d probably do it again, even knowing the outcome.

Wed 22nd November 2017 @ 01:29
Comment from: [Member]

Oh dear that doesn’t sound very healthy or balanced. But then, you’ve always said that one person in a relationship always feels more than the other. Jeez what messes we get ourselves into!

Wed 22nd November 2017 @ 12:19
Comment from: Homer [Visitor]

I know I’ve only ever read this from your side, but I don’t think you were out of order in being pissed off. If “Wendy” had a face like a bag of spanners would you tolerate being told when you could and couldn’t see her and your mutual friends? Not to sound harsh but the controlling tosspot ex and his childcare threats are her problem, not yours.

Wed 22nd November 2017 @ 19:33
Comment from: [Member]

It wouldn’t make any difference, even if she were as unattractive as she is desirable. It’s someone I don’t know exercising a control over her and by proxy, through the child, me.

Anyway, looks like we have at least separated, even if the decree absolute hasn’t come in yet. So in a way, the Ex has won.

Thu 23rd November 2017 @ 14:54
Comment from: kono [Visitor]

The healthiest thing for you good sir would be to get as far away as possible from her…

and if i may go all armchair shrink here for a moment, in the last comment you say the Ex has won, if he has it’s because you and Wendy have relinquished control to him, one or both of you could change the dynamic and make him react to the situation, you could choose to exert your influence and if that causes him to relent and let you see her or the exact opposite at least you have taken to the action to remedy the situation even if one of those remedies is not the desired outcome… of course i don’t believe in winning and losing when it comes to the relationships we have, their is either acceptance of it/them or non-acceptance of it and we take it from there…

then again i’m a shut-in stoner who’s half-baked and sitting around listening to dub records, most likely i know fuck all…

Fri 24th November 2017 @ 21:29
Comment from: Eryl [Visitor]

Hello, came over from Mark’s art discussion, and find myself startled that you are male. Who knows why, but I always thought you were a young woman. Not that it makes any difference.

Anyway, I just want to say the ex hasn’t won; you have taken back control of your life. Wendy needs to do the same really, find a babysitter, that kind of thing, and stop relying on the bastard for help. If his child is nothing to him but a bargaining chip he doesn’t deserve to see her. l know it’s hard though, and she’ll have to work this out for herself. I spent the last five years of my (thirty year) marriage to a manipulative, controlling narcissist trying to understand his problem and help him! Only now, six years later, do I realise his problem was/is that he’s a cunt and there’s nothing to be done about it.

Good luck.

Mon 27th November 2017 @ 16:33
Comment from: looby [Visitor]

kono:
I’ve done all I can to extert any influence but there’s nothing I can do. She has to stand up to him and say that she’ll see who the hell she likes. But she won’t. As Kitty said a couple of weeks ago when this was all blowing up “nothing will change.” I don’t know what else I can do now. But I sure as hell have had enough of even having to hide myself when I pop a card round! I can’t even knock at her front door. And then she says that she “loves” me? What kind of a weird love is that?

Eryl:
Hello! I’m sure our paths have crossed – tangentially – before, from Hestia (was it) – the woman from Rothesay who was another arty type.

I’ve never been taken for a young woman before – shows you how unreliable the account one gives of oneself on the internet is I suppose. Thank you dropping in.

The Little Dictator and her Dad have a good relationship in themselves, but he has groomed her to be his little spy on Wendy, so any time I am with her she will report back with full details and be grilled for an account when she gets back. He’s an utter manipulative, controlling twat. But there’s only one person who can change that situation and it’s not me. Wendy’s just drifting with it, year after year.

There are other people that could help with The Little Dictator. Believe it nor not, I am one of them! I get on very well with TLD when she forgets that I am the enemy.

I like Wendy a huge amount. She’s clever, witty, well-read, incautious, kind – and almost indescribably sexy and well-dressed. But I’m sick of her lying to him about me. We’re not even having a sexual relationship!

The situation is stuck, immobile and given TLD’s age, that’s how it will be for several years hence, unless she does something about it – like you did! Bet you’re glad you’re out of all that.

Wed 29th November 2017 @ 10:27
Comment from: kono [Visitor]

You’re spot on in what Wendy needs to do my good man but you could tell her until she does that don’t bother texting or calling or telling you she “loves you", she doesn’t, it’s a reflex action to her and means nothing other than placating and making the other party feel good for a moment, which is a sweet gesture until you realize it’s contrived, sometimes the best thing to do is the hardest thing to do, me thinks you’re on your way though…

and any human who uses their children as pawns, spies, whatever after a divorce or separation is the lowest piece of shite imaginable, what are you teaching the kid? parents need to realize their actions have consequences and affect the child, i know when my behavior and the example i set is detrimental to the boyos well being and try to correct it, but that guy is a class A fucking twat! (not that you didn’t know that, lol)

Wed 29th November 2017 @ 14:12
Comment from: [Member]

I’ve constantly bridled against this “I do love you” shite she comes out with. I feel patronised, a little pat on the head for gullible looby. That’ll make him go away a happy little boy.

The Little Dictator will see through his game in time. In the long run, that man’s fucked. He sleeps on his mum’s settee and is the epitome of the sad middleaged loser. He’s lost a truly exceptional woman, (and one I would love to be able to love).

Wed 29th November 2017 @ 14:59
Comment from: Eryl [Visitor]

I don’t remember the woman from Rothesay, I’ll have to wrack my brain.

I am delighted to be out of all that!

Tue 5th December 2017 @ 15:55
Comment from: looby [Visitor]

It was Hestia’s Larder or Hestia’s something. (Sorry it’s taken me so long to reply to you Eryl).

Sat 9th December 2017 @ 03:22


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