Sat 4th September 2010

I joined another dating site last week. This is an email I received tonight, together with my reply.

On Sat, 4 Sep 2010 15:00:44 -0700 (PDT) "usersupport@bleurghhh.com" wrote:

looby, In order to help our customers have a safe and successful experience, bleurghhh.com routinely reviews information posted to user profiles. During the registration process, you agreed to our terms and conditions, which limit the type of information that can be posted. During a recent review of your profile, information was removed in accordance with our terms and conditions.

The following content has been removed from your profile:

Things that looby is passionate about:
Procrastinating, finding fault in others' spelling mistakes, reading out interesting things from the newspaper to anyone in the same room, dancing in the kitchen, looking through dictionaries, going down the pub, learning just enough about a subject to bullshit plausibly about it, a good book, wondering why I sometimes get taken for gay and how to avoid this without acting like a complete dick, standing with my hands on my hips looking at DIY jobs and hoping that they'll get done if I stare at them hard enough, cooking, and working out how little I can do yet still get paid for it.

The most important thing I am looking for in a person:
Big tits, a PhD, and an mdma factory in the shed.

We recommend that you edit your profile at your earliest convenience. Please review our Terms and Conditions for more information on Posting and Communication Restrictions. A link to this information has been provided below.

Sincerely, Risk Management, ["Risk Management!?] bleurghhh.com

--------------

Dear bleurghhh.com.

This isn't working for me. Could you delete my profile and cancel my subscription immediately. You can either do this yourselves or I'll just tell my credit card company that I've lost my credit card down a drain when I got pissed in Eindhoven or something and that I want all payments from my credit card cancelled.

Good luck with matching conventional people together. But you won't need it - it's a huge market.

looby

6 comments

Comment from: heybartender [Visitor]

What the hell is their problem? Were you being too honest?

Sun 5th September 2010 @ 01:22

Comment from: [Member]

Without having specific problems pointed out to me I don’t know.

They renew your credit card automatically for the first three months, but I’m not having that. I’ll just report it stolen and get it cancelled.

Another thing is, who’s being offended? I’ve been contacted by two women. One said “your profile made me smile” and another, in a longer email, described it as “witty” and “amusing". Is that the sound of people getting pissed off? I think not. It’s just the anally retentive admins (or, more likely, something triggering one or more entries in a list of banned words).

Sun 5th September 2010 @ 10:58

Comment from: Homer [Visitor]

I reckon gay, dick, tits and MDMA are the culprits - but you’d think a real live person with a modicum of intelligence and personality could override The Computer, wouldn’t you.

Nice retort by the way.

Sun 5th September 2010 @ 17:14

Comment from: [Member]

Ha ha, those words, so witty when contextualised, so baldly accusatory when not!

I’m not tiptoeing round their precious sensitivities. I’ll never meet the sort of woman I want to if I am lobotomised into saying I like “curling up on the sofa with a DVD” and “all types of music". How is an acidly intelligent, hedonistic woman, academic but a bit tarty, ever going to find me with rubbish like that on my profile?

Sun 5th September 2010 @ 17:33

Comment from: peach [Visitor]

funny, when I joined a date site some years ago, I diligently answered all and every puerile question and waited excitedly for the ‘best match’ which came back “I’m sorry there is no-one on our site that would be a good match for you at present".

My self-esteem and I went down the pub whereupon I met a lovely barman who took me home for at least 6 months to work out my incompatibilities.

Well the f*ck done for not being able to be type-cast.

Wed 8th September 2010 @ 21:40

Comment from: [Member]

Oh S… hope you didn’t pay them too much! Loved your second paragraph.

As I’m a real ale drinker, the pubs I go to are absloutely crap for meeting women. Besides, it would never occur to me to chat someone up in a pub. I’d feel all wrong, so well played to your barman fella! He got a nice reward.

Wed 8th September 2010 @ 22:43

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looby, n.; pl. loobies. A lout; an awkward, stupid, clownish person

M / 60 / Bristol, "the most beautiful, interesting and distinguished city in England" -- John Betjeman [1961, source eludes me].

"Looby is a left-wing intellectual who is obsessed with a) women's clothes and b) tits." -- Joy of Bex.

WLTM literate woman, 40-65. Must have nice tits, a PhD, and an mdma factory in the shed, although the first on its own will do in the short term.

There are plenty of bastards who drink moderately. Of course, I don't consider them to be people. They are not our comrades.
Sergei Korovin, quoted in Pavel Krusanov, The Blue Book of the Alcoholic

I am here to change my life. I am here to force myself to change my life.
Chinese man I met during Freshers Week at Lancaster University, 2008

The more democratised art becomes, the more we recognise in it our own mediocrity.
James Meek

Tell me, why is it that even when we are enjoying music, for instance, or a beautiful evening, or a conversation in agreeable company, it all seems no more than a hint of some infinite felicity existing apart somewhere, rather than actual happiness – such, I mean, as we ourselves can really possess?
Turgenev, Fathers and Sons

I hate the iPod; I hate the idea that music is such a personal thing that you can just stick some earplugs in your ears and have an experience with music. Music is a social phenomenon.
Jeremy Wagner

La vie poetique has its pleasures, and readings--ideally a long way from home--are one of them. I can pretend to be George Szirtes.
George Szirtes

Using words well is a social virtue. Use 'fortuitous' once more to mean 'fortunate' and you move an English word another step towards the dustbin. If your mistake took hold, no-one who valued clarity would be able to use the word again.
John Whale

One good thing about being a Marxist is that you don't have to pretend to like work.
Terry Eagleton, What Is A Novel?, Lancaster University, 1 Feb 2010

The working man is a fucking loser.
Mick, The Golden Lion, Lancaster, 21 Mar 2011

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6 comments

looby, n.; pl. loobies. A lout; an awkward, stupid, clownish person

Rummage in my drawers

The Comfort of Strangers

"Just sit still and listen" - woman to teenage girl at Elliott Carter weekend, London 2006

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