Natalie

When I was a child, part of undergoing what was, depending on your interpretation of the facts, either a Christian upringing or a religious brainwashing, was to sing a ditty in Sunday School which went in part "Envy, jealousy, malice and pride, they will never in my heart abide." That word "abide" is important. It suggests a tolerance of a temporary attachment to these vices as long as they are abjured at some reasonably early point after which the event which causes your fall. I hope I don't feel jealous like this for long.

I stumbled across an affair tonight. I've know Ed a long time but we never really talk, but he came over and sat next to me. "Sorry to keep looking at my phone," he said. "I'm expecting a bit of leg-over. I can't tell you who it is - you'll probably know her. "I wouldn't worry. I probably won't."

In she walked. "Not Martina!" I wanted to cry. Martina, were she not married, would be Lancaster's most eligible woman. Very pretty, and a careless, witty and louche air that I am not alone in finding magnetic. The last time I spoke to her was a few weeks ago when we were sharing an afternoon glass of wine and I was worrying out loud about something. "Oh no," she said. One can over-parent sometimes," making us both laugh.

She gave me a composed smile, comprehended the situation, then carried off the five minutes I stayed with them with aplomb. A wave of jealousy built continuously within in me as she laughed and smiled with him, turning a fractionally different version of her face towards me. I tried to satisfy the pretence of not knowing what they were up to as quickly as possible. I told her about my gig in Brussels, subconsciously trying to impress her perhaps, and how I remember the phrase of hers about over-parenting, but drank up as quickly as I could. I've been in the same situation myself: every second counts on an excuse with a expiry time.

I was stunned walking home and it's plunged me into a vortex of resentful self pity. Why didn't I pick up on the fact that she might be open to distractions? Do I appear too domesticated and bland to her? What can I do to stop coming across as so safe and emasculated to women? How did Ed go about seducing her? I began to wish I hadn't stumbled across their affair.

I am wracked with jealousy, an emotion I hardly ever feel. Ed is having sex with Martina tonight, someone were I not too depressed and monomaniacal to pleasure myself, I am at the polar opposite of the sexual economy.