Sumptuous Bag of Christmas

I'm in the pub, waiting for Stefan and Csilla, as we're having a get-together before they go off to the Caucasus to have two Christmases, the one celebrating the birth of St Sherry of Marks and Spencer on 25th, and the one in funny writing on 6th January.

Several yards away, sits a good looking Twentysomething woman, black hair in a bob, an overbite. (I love overbites). But I'm mainly preoccupied with having to tell Stefan that we can't afford to have the heating on all night, as he has done the last two nights.

Correct	Incorrect

He already has it on for hours in the day, when any faint shiver of Lancashire cool would be easily defeated with a gaily decorated festive bobble hat. The bill could run into hundreds of pounds, and I've got lustful expenses in Leicestershire to consider before discarding my long johns. Although obviously if Mary-Ann ever makes the long trek up to Lancaster to have me explore her cunt as a person, I will let her have complete control over the knob and let her turn it up as far as it'll go.

Before they arrived I bumped into Eric. I used to work with Eric (and Denise) during my days at Bloom and Doom, before a couple of vulture capitalists arrived, paid themselves 100 and 80K a year respectively to make people redundant, then sold the firm to a more successful one which offers appealingly named bouquets such as the "Sumptuous Bag of Christmas" above.

At the bar, Ms Overbite and her friend were standing with Eric. As I approached they moved off and said they were sitting down. A very quick run through the past four years: he's got a good job in a pathology lab. "Yeah, white coat and everything."

"Are you out with them two?" "Yes." "Blimey, you lucky bugger. That one in the shorts." "Yeah, she works with me. Mental health. And she's a pole dancer. I can get you a referral if you like."

Eric mentioned another former colleage. "Debbie's over there. You should say hello." I saw her, sitting with her back to me. I bid my farewells to Eric. "Yeah, I will, thanks! Nice to bump into you again. Have a good night," I said, raising an eyebrow in the best tradition of English trouser-related farce.

I creep up to Debbie, smiling at the people around me. I approach her from behind and pinch her bum. She looks round. It's not her, and is with a rather large man. I make abject apologies, causing amusement. "No offence taken," she says.