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Mummy's new boyfriend

  Thu 29th December 2011

I acquired three teenage daughters on Christmas Eve, as the triplets turned thirteen. Melanie is the stroppiest by far, but we only had one spat, when, last night, she repeatedly told me to "shut up", after her frustration that I couldn't repair their computer immediately escalated into a demand for a new one.

"Don't you tell me to shut up, you ungrateful sod," I snapped, pleased to see unexpected bits of spit landing on the carpet between us despite the absence of plosive consonants in what I was saying. "All the money your mother and me have spent on you and now you want a new computer? Stop being so thirteen."

"Thh-ett-teen," she forehanded back, making fun of my pronunciation. Parental love is unconditional, Melanie. It won't work.

Aside from this, it was all warmly domestic, even down to the cat pissing in the front room and filling it with an acrid smell. Kirsty disappeared for a couple of days to have sex with someone taller, better looking, and wealthier than me in the Lake District while the girls and I luxuriated in an excess of Boursin, chocolate and Amontillado.

My daughters all wanted a taste of the latter, a request I was pleased to indulge, as I would consider myself a success as a father if, in five years' time, I overheard a daughter of mine at the bar saying "Have you got a very dry Amontillado?" If, on the other hand, I saw them fiddling with straws inserted into bottles containing liquids in colours that do not appear in nature, no amount of subsequent success in their stated careers of archaeologist, actress and tramp (sic - that's what Melanie once said she wants to be) would assuage a sense of paternal failure.

correct wrong
Correct Incorrect

Mr Tall is playing the difficult role of Mummy's New Boyfriend in an admirably low key way that indicates that he is not attempting to replace their father in that rôle. And he's put much better music on her iPod. He's into poppy dance music - Black Box, Stone Roses, Prodigy, that sort of thing - which is a blessed relief after the Guantanamo Bay torture of Van Morrison that she used to play endlessly. As we put the Christmas dinner together we danced around the kitchen to Firestarter. "Look, Melanie," she shouted through to the living room. "You've got modern parents."

Bit of a test coming up in 4 hours and 10 minutes: I'm meeting Denise in the Sun. I might have described her in a text as "cock-stiffeningly gorgeous", situating this in the context of the fingertip-excitingly sexy mauve wrap-round miniskirt she wore last time we met, which splits up her thigh as she crosses her legs, and she might have replied "Well, you might be in luck, looby. That's one of the things I've packed for my trip to Lancaster."

In news of seasonal joyousness, a payment I'm due might be coming through a bit early because of the way New Year falls, which holds out the delicious possibility of me being at the Lytham Soul Weekender, and spending a weekend acquiring blisters dancing to my first and most enduring musical love, Modern Soul.


Your initial sentence came as a bit of a shock. For one fearful moment I thought you meant that yiu had shacked up with another bird who already had 3 daughters, and I thought “MAD", then I understood.

Ah, the joys of teenage girls, and you’ve got triplets? My estimation of your parenting prowess increases, as does my level of pity. Just wait until they start really dating. Gastric ulcers await.

I like the sound of Denise’s sartorial skills. I bet her “fingertip-excitingly sexy mauve wrap-round miniskirt she wore last time we met, which splits up her thigh as she crosses her legs” feels almost as nice as a bit of freshly sanded Teak

Thu 29th December 2011 @ 20:39
Comment from: [Member]

Dating? My daughters aren’t going to date. They’re going to have passionate intellectual “affairs” with clever artistic women several years older than themselves who also disport themselves from time to time with me, in a retro Bloomsbury stylee.

Fri 30th December 2011 @ 09:15
Comment from: smallbeds [Visitor]

Merry Christmas to you and your hilarious new teenagers. There’s nothing quite as refined as a piercingly cold, sharply acidic amontillado; although if you ever get your hands on a manzanilla you’ll have the perfect material for getting all three of them ready for their debutante Season, in one handy bottle.

I hope you’re still having a cholesterollicking time as I write this comment. We’re off shortly, to what I can only describe as the mainland UK equivalent of what my parents in Spain call the “pensionistas club". Sadly no flamenco dancing here in Cardiff, although we eagerly await some banging tunes from a group of Welsh folkies.

Incidentally, I hope you haven’t been having a white Christmas where you are. Looks like the north Fylde has been getting into a bit of a froth:

Surely such foaming should be confined to the mouth of the Ribble, as the massed ranks of Lytham fulminate against the debauchery they perceive over in Southport.

Sat 31st December 2011 @ 17:42
Comment from: [Member]

That’s odd - I thought someone had posted anoter comment mentioning the Fylde phenomenon you describe, and gently correcting the terminology to “spume” and detailing an account of the same type of event from several decades ago. Too much sherry, obviously. I must have read it elsewhere.

Of which, yes, Manzanilla is very good too. I attended a tutored sherry tasting in Kirkby Lonsdale in October, which was do lovely it’s provided me with my first NY resolution: Drink More Sherry.

Mon 2nd January 2012 @ 14:37
Comment from: nursemyra [Visitor]

I like Black Box, stone roses and Prodigy too. But for me Van Morrison’s Astral Weeks is still one of the best albums ever recorded

Mon 2nd January 2012 @ 21:55
Comment from: Furtheron [Visitor]

umm - wasn’t Firestarter a hit in 1996 - which is like 16 years ago Granddad! :-)

Tue 3rd January 2012 @ 13:14
Comment from: [Member]

N: I intellectually, historically, understand that Astral Weeks is good, but emotionally and physically, Van Morrison doesn’t speak to me, and worse, it’s very irritating, when Kirsty plays it over and over and over again.

F: Crikey was it that long ago? I can only plead that it’s K’s boyfriend’s music, not mine.

Tue 3rd January 2012 @ 13:46

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looby, n.; pl. loobies. A lout; an awkward, stupid, clownish person

M / 60 / Bristol, "the most beautiful, interesting and distinguished city in England" -- John Betjeman [1961, source eludes me].

"Looby is a left-wing intellectual who is obsessed with a) women's clothes and b) tits." -- Joy of Bex.

WLTM literate woman, 40-65. Must have nice tits, a PhD, and an mdma factory in the shed, although the first on its own will do in the short term.

There are plenty of bastards who drink moderately. Of course, I don't consider them to be people. They are not our comrades.
Sergei Korovin, quoted in Pavel Krusanov, The Blue Book of the Alcoholic

I am here to change my life. I am here to force myself to change my life.
Chinese man I met during Freshers Week at Lancaster University, 2008

The more democratised art becomes, the more we recognise in it our own mediocrity.
James Meek

Tell me, why is it that even when we are enjoying music, for instance, or a beautiful evening, or a conversation in agreeable company, it all seems no more than a hint of some infinite felicity existing apart somewhere, rather than actual happiness – such, I mean, as we ourselves can really possess?
Turgenev, Fathers and Sons

I hate the iPod; I hate the idea that music is such a personal thing that you can just stick some earplugs in your ears and have an experience with music. Music is a social phenomenon.
Jeremy Wagner

La vie poetique has its pleasures, and readings--ideally a long way from home--are one of them. I can pretend to be George Szirtes.
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Using words well is a social virtue. Use 'fortuitous' once more to mean 'fortunate' and you move an English word another step towards the dustbin. If your mistake took hold, no-one who valued clarity would be able to use the word again.
John Whale

One good thing about being a Marxist is that you don't have to pretend to like work.
Terry Eagleton, What Is A Novel?, Lancaster University, 1 Feb 2010

The working man is a fucking loser.
Mick, The Golden Lion, Lancaster, 21 Mar 2011

The Comfort of Strangers

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