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Pop
"Just pop your trousers off would you?"
What is it about doctors' training that they have to say "pop" your trousers off, rather than "take" them off? How do I "pop" my trousers off? If it were a skintight pair of Mexican nightclub crooner's trousers with snappy elastic I might be able to satisfy her, but my Geography Lecturer in Minor Welsh University cord trousers allow of no plosive bottom slapping.
I lay on the examination bed, aware of my navy blue pants and the outline of my penis. She bent my leg with its swollen knee this way and that.
I got dressed and she started asking me about my drinking. Last month, doctors in the UK were issued with a directive to ask "lifestyle questions". Not about the kind of music we like or what sort of interior décor we favour, but things like how much we drink. "Well, a bit. I'm fully aware it exceeds the recommended levels." Yes but what about my knee?
She said "I'm going to do a blood test, and a liver test too." She printed off five pages of notes about Drinking Myths and Facts. But also a prescription for some codeine, so it was worth being hectored. I took my myths and facts to read in the pub. Neil and his lover were there. "My doctor thinks I drink too much, for some reason." We got pissed and I accidentally, not deliberately, left the notes in the pub.
There's a saying "You're only an alcoholic if you can't afford it." I gave up drink for Lent a few years ago and the only advantage I felt was in my pocket.
2 comments
I think they get some sort of bonus for the proportion of their patients they can claim are living healthily. Last time I went I saw the nurse drop my weekly units from my reported 16 (well, everyone halves it, don’t they?) to the Holy Grail of 14; then she ticked a box saying I regularly examined my breasts even though I had clearly said I didn’t, ever.
At least neither of us are fat, or smoke.
DF: That’s a cracker of a quote. Going to remember that one! Thanks :)
H: That makes sense. The English box-ticking obssession.
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