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Girlfriend I'll never have

  Wed 23rd May 2012

A really painful, awkward exchange of phone calls and emails with the new girl Gillian, who, a week into her let, has still to pay me a penny. I've told her that this can't happen every month, and said that issued what I hoped sounded a slightly threatening "This isn't working out is it?"

Latest postponement is that she assures me that the money will be transferred to my account today. So now, while I'm on my fucking holiday, trying to get away from everything, I'm going to have to find an internet cafe and check she's paid it. This has got off to a very bad start.

Linda texts: [four names] -- any of you likely to be out in the sunshine [today] eve? Say 6.30 White Cross?

I'm repeating myself, but I could fall in love with Linda like that. She's tall (I love the idea of having to slightly tilt my head up to kiss her), gorgeous, Irish, witty, sharp. A German couple stopped us one day in the street and asked the way to the police station. We gave them directions, and after they'd gone, Linda said "Why, are you going to apologise for the Holocaust?"

I rang her ten minutes ago. An idiotic, prepared line, that went wrong. "Hello, girlfriend I'll never have."


"I said 'girlfriend I'll never have'. It sounds better when it's spontaneous." We laughed and it was alright, me getting drunk on what to me is her sex-dripping Galway accent and the thought of her hair and her tallness and the dismissive tone in her voice.

She's never fancied me, and she's seeing this Swedish Profesor of Economics she met at a conference in Tromsø or Narvik or Turku or somewhere, but it'll be a pleasure to see her (literally, to see her).


Comment from: [Member]

oh, the Irish… i’m going to miss my Irishman. his primary woman is moving here from Dublin, so our arrangement will be over soon. But lord, it has been a very fine four years…

Wed 23rd May 2012 @ 22:06
Comment from: [Member]

Glad it’s been a good four years. It’s nice warm weather here at the moment and boy could I do with an “arrangement"!

Wed 23rd May 2012 @ 22:28

If the money isn’t there, cut her loose. Grifter.

Would love to see a pic of Linda. Don’t give up the ship! You never know…

Accents slay me, too. I was seeing a girl from Nottingham for a while who was terrible to me but my legs turned to water when she would say my name.

Thu 24th May 2012 @ 12:11
Comment from: Homer [Visitor]

I would be really embarrassed to be a week late with the rent - the brass neck of her! I hate to say it, but I’ve got a feeling you might be kicking her out on your return from Italy.

You couldn’t get Seriouscrush to do your dirty work while you’re away, seeing as it’s her house ‘n’ all..?

UB: you’re sick in the head, boy. The East Midlands accent is foul.

Thu 24th May 2012 @ 15:56
Comment from: [Member]

I’ll leave it now–I’m not texting her any more. If the money’s not there, she’s out on her arse when I get back. In fact I feel like telling her to fuck off now.

I’m not getting Seriouscrush involved. Well, I will have to I suppose. I’m postponing a very awkward phone call to her which says I can’t pay the rent this month because of this tosser. Fuck me, this not how I planned it, especially not on the eve of going to have my big holiday with the girls.

In fact, why don’t I grasp the nettle now and tell her to move out. Yes, I will do that. Thank you commenters!

Thu 24th May 2012 @ 19:39
Comment from: [Member]

“Gillian, I’d like you to move out by the time I get back from Italy on 9 June. I don’t want you to put the rent in my account, I want you to move out. If you’ve already done so I will refund it as soon as I get back.”

Anyway–Eurovision Song Contest second semi final, a lovely ex girlf, equally lovely daughters, corner shop plonk, holiday to look forward to and sod you Gillian!

Thu 24th May 2012 @ 19:57

Get Gillian Gone, Giving Gigantic Grief.

But no bloody dosh.

Love the Irish. Redhead?

The best German putdowner was as follows.

In Glasgow Central station, a Mum skelps (spanks) her kid for being a pain.
A passing German tourist stops and says

“In Germany we do not hit our children”

The wee Glasgow woman replies
“Aye, maybe, but in Partick we don’t gas our Jews”

Fri 25th May 2012 @ 01:21

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