Sat 18th May 2013

We have definitively split up. I might at some point put a little more detail on how it happened but it's too close and upsetting at the moment. She's everywhere in the house--the pillows on her side of the bed were just as she had arranged them; she's in the kitchen--the cheese and the blueberries and the yoghurt and other things she bought, and there's the Teletubbies cup she used for her coffee; she's in the front room, where I doubt I will be able to play The Dictionary Game with anyone for a while.

Worst of all, is her lovely Christmas card she had made out of a photograph of us on a beach in North Wales. Both of us happy, leaning into each other. Our bookclub book this month was Things Fall Apart. And although they did towards the end, I will only remember her as one of the kindest, most generous, and loving women I have ever met. It's tragic that I couldn't reciprocate the love she wanted to create for us.

7 comments

Comment from: furtheron [Visitor]

Sorry to hear that.

Sat 18th May 2013 @ 13:05

Comment from: isabelle [Visitor]

I’m sorry too.

But if your heart’s not in it…

Sat 18th May 2013 @ 13:09

Comment from: young at heart [Visitor]

well……… I think you’ve hit the nail on the head!!!

Sat 18th May 2013 @ 13:32

Comment from: Homer [Visitor]

It was the right thing to do. Proud of you.

Sat 18th May 2013 @ 16:05

Comment from: The Unbearable Banishment [Visitor]

Long road ahead. Good that we’re entering into the summer months. It’ll be easier to find distractions. Wish I had a magic pill I could forward.

Mon 20th May 2013 @ 12:43

Comment from: smallbeds [Visitor]

Best wishes, Looby. It gets better from here.

Mon 20th May 2013 @ 20:19

Comment from: [Member]

it hurts, even when we don’t feel *that* kind of love. saw my Irish ex at a festival yesterday… brief moment of eye contact, pained smiles, and i knew that he misses me too. but too much wreckage and collateral damage if we were to ever meet up again, so we both disappeared into the crowds and went on about things.

i’m fortunate to have found a man who can accept the way i am able to love him. accept that i am not romantic, nor snuggly. but i work my ass off at the relationship we have, and it’s a lot of work.

it’s going to suck for awhile. you’ll still smell her scent in your pillow for a time. want to share something with her that made you laugh. there is now a “Trina shaped hole” in your life.

Onward, sir. That’s the only direction to go…

Tue 21st May 2013 @ 04:05

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looby, n.; pl. loobies. A lout; an awkward, stupid, clownish person

M / 59 / Bristol, "the most beautiful, interesting and distinguished city in England" -- John Betjeman [1961, source eludes me].

"Looby is a left-wing intellectual who is obsessed with a) women's clothes and b) tits." -- Joy of Bex.

WLTM literate woman, 40-65. Must have nice tits, a PhD, and an mdma factory in the shed, although the first on its own will do in the short term.

There are plenty of bastards who drink moderately. Of course, I don't consider them to be people. They are not our comrades.
Sergei Korovin, quoted in Pavel Krusanov, The Blue Book of the Alcoholic

I am here to change my life. I am here to force myself to change my life.
Chinese man I met during Freshers Week at Lancaster University, 2008

The more democratised art becomes, the more we recognise in it our own mediocrity.
James Meek

Tell me, why is it that even when we are enjoying music, for instance, or a beautiful evening, or a conversation in agreeable company, it all seems no more than a hint of some infinite felicity existing apart somewhere, rather than actual happiness – such, I mean, as we ourselves can really possess?
Turgenev, Fathers and Sons

I hate the iPod; I hate the idea that music is such a personal thing that you can just stick some earplugs in your ears and have an experience with music. Music is a social phenomenon.
Jeremy Wagner

La vie poetique has its pleasures, and readings--ideally a long way from home--are one of them. I can pretend to be George Szirtes.
George Szirtes

Using words well is a social virtue. Use 'fortuitous' once more to mean 'fortunate' and you move an English word another step towards the dustbin. If your mistake took hold, no-one who valued clarity would be able to use the word again.
John Whale

One good thing about being a Marxist is that you don't have to pretend to like work.
Terry Eagleton, What Is A Novel?, Lancaster University, 1 Feb 2010

The working man is a fucking loser.
Mick, The Golden Lion, Lancaster, 21 Mar 2011

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Blueberries

7 comments

looby, n.; pl. loobies. A lout; an awkward, stupid, clownish person

Rummage in my drawers

The Comfort of Strangers

"Just sit still and listen" - woman to teenage girl at Elliott Carter weekend, London 2006

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