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  Mon 28th April 2014

I was supposed to be on my way to France this morning with Trina, but my new passport hasn't arrived. I sent the application off over a month ago but the payment bounced, and I had to send them the money again. Trina, understandably, was utterly pissed off with me, and has told me that this is the last straw, that she can't cope with my "chaotic" lifestyle any more, and that we must realise we are incompatible. But she added still like to keep in touch for boozy afternoons and nights on the dancefloor. She's also managed to rearrange the holiday for June.

It's such a relief. This is what I've wanted for a long time. I think I just need to make it absolutely clear from the outset next time, that I am not relationship material.

I was down the pub recounting my passport woes to someone who features on this blog often. She told me this story of jumping bail in the Canary Islands after she and her then husband were charged with drug traffiking, for which she was told she should expect something like ten years.

When they went to court, her husband had been so badly beaten up by the police that they were granted bail for him to get medical treatment. The police had their passports. They got an internal flight to Madrid, got a train to Paris on which no-one checked the passports -- and then Calais. They wandered round the lorry park and persuaded a driver -- for a fee -- to stow them away in his lorry, which was full of booze. They created a tiny little space right in the middle of the tins. It was stiflingly hot and cramped, but they got to Dover OK. They stayed in Dover for a few months, making a living from running consignments of cigarettes to Lancaster and elsewhere. She says she daren't go back to Spain now.

As I finished my story, three loudmouths were getting chucked out. As they left they were yelling "He's a cocksucker. He sucks cock!" A moment after they left, a customer said, across the surprised silence, "He's over here", and the whole pub laughed.

My youngest went away to Harrogate for a week with her friend Sophie's family. They accidentally drove into and killed a pheasant. Sophie's Dad stopped the car, scooped it up, and they plucked and ate it that evening. When Melanie got back home, she told us that Sophie had said "you've got a trendy Mum and a poofy Dad."

Down the Yorkshire House with Tess and her workmate Briony, a bright and interesting girl. They keep going out for fags. We're all collectively talking about how to manoeuvre Tom out of the house and getting Briony to move in. Briony lives in a house owned by an architect and his wife in a crap part of Lancaster. The woman, especially, is a hoarder, and the only space in which to cook in the kitchen is an about the size of an A4 piece of paper. Every room is full of mounds of litter and junk. Briony found a plastic bag of potatoes which had liquefied in the vegetable rack.

"Let's talk about sex," said Tess, and we did. Tess said that she was at work the other day and Briony was slightly bent over and looked as though she was in pain. "Are you OK?" said Tess. "Yes," said Briony. "I just feel so fucking horny." At home, I got into bed and sent a filthy text to Chris.


Is it a stretch to say that the passport kerfuffle is intentional? That your subconscious mind decided to act without asking permission?

When my brother took his driving test, he ran over a cat. The instructor failed him. The cat was NOT eaten afterwards.

Tess! You nasty girl! When am I going to get a text like that, I wonder? I have in the past. They’re a nice surprise, indeed.

Mon 28th April 2014 @ 12:23
Comment from: [Member]

I don’t think so–I was quite looking forward to a few days there.

The thing with Tess was a mistake. I forgot that she borrowed my phone last night to text someone else. I’ve deleted the relevant sentence but you obviously got in there quickly.

Mon 28th April 2014 @ 12:35

You do lead an eventful life.

Do you think Tess is hinting at a threesome with Briony?

Am I missing something here, or did people in your first two sections refer to you as a poof?

And if so, will your American readers understand the reference?

Tue 29th April 2014 @ 11:14
Comment from: [Member]

No, I don’t think so. She’s happy enough with this bloke she’s seeing. I’ve been getting on well with Briony but physically she’s absolutely not my type. I don’t really fancy Tess either, despite her being very pretty and blessed with a fabulous figure.

The blokes in the pub weren’t referring to me, but Sophie, my daughter’s friend, (she’s 15) is of the opinion that I am “poofy". I don’t mind people saying that. It means I’m projecting an aura of mystery, and that I have some nice shirts.

Americans probably don’t understand some of what I say, but a nation that calls trousers “pants” and has the phrase “fanny pack", has truly lost its way through English.

Tue 29th April 2014 @ 12:17
Comment from: furtheron [Visitor]

Bangs… I mean Bangs…. it’s a fringe - Americans have such weird words. Bangs?

Just wondering if Exile’s brother had suggested eating the cat whether he would have passed? Depends how far south in the USA the test was I suppose.

Sorry Looby - more interested in the comments! Another enlightening window on a world so far removed from my current tending to the bleeding heart that the cavorting foxes destroyed over the weekend that we’re almost on opposite sides of the solar system rather than merely a few junctions up the M6

Tue 29th April 2014 @ 15:16
Comment from: [Member]

I don’t think even a native Medwayish speaker will fully understand that final paragraph there G :)

I’ve been reading American writing for forty-odd years and I still come across absolutely incomprehensible words and phrases. And the less said about the sandals, socks, and knee-length trousers combo, the better.

Tue 29th April 2014 @ 15:41
Comment from: [Member]

the sandals, socks and knee-length trousers (aka “shorts") look should be grounds for incarceration… pure evil…

Sun 4th May 2014 @ 13:43
Comment from: [Member]

I’ve got my own list of Great British Male Sartorial Errors too…

Tue 6th May 2014 @ 10:38

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