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You're fucnin dumped. Really.

  Fri 30th September 2016

This will have to be done in parts because I've got to get the girls' tea ready, but Trish has just dumped me. You're fucnin dumped, indeed.

I am absolutely distraught. I feel like just crying and crying. I know how important the sex was but there really was something more to it for me, when I stared into her eyes after sex, wondering how I had ended up with a girl like her, thinking how wonderful it is to have feelings for her that went beyond her sexual attraction. I loved being introduced in her local as "my new boyfriend".

I texted her this afternoon. "I wish you were here. Failing that, I'm going to be in Manchester tomorrow. Do you think I could come round late afternoon? I'd have to get off at about half ten as this [techno night] is in Ancoats."

"No not tomorrow."

I waited as long as I could - fifteen minutes -- for her to elaborate on such a bald statement, but nothing arrived, so I texted her again. "OK that's a shame but OK," Eventually she replied "I've been really ill, still am."

I rang her. "Hiya, what's the matter petal?" "I'm really ill, I have been since yesterday. I don't ever want to touch that stuff again. I'm shaking." "Oh fuck." And then, a lurch I hadn't at all seen coming.

"Looby, this isn't a decision I've taken lightly, but I want to end it here. My feelings for you aren't going to develop beyond this. It's reached its limit. I'm not going to feel anything more than this for you, and it's not enough."

I was stunned. My breath became unreliable. When I'd gathered myself a little, I said that I appreciated her honesty. "I understand what you're saying. I just felt that there was a possibility for something good with us. I am absolutely distraught Trish and I'm going to off for a cry now, but I understand what you've said and appreciate you saying this now."

"Thank you looby."

"So, there's nothing more to say, is there? Trish, I will always think of you fondly, and I have loved every minute of us being together, and I will only ever feel fond of you in the future. I'm absolutely devastated Trish, but if you can't reciprocate feelings it's never going to go anywhere. I understand." I was on the point of tears.

Silence.

"So this is goodbye isn't it?"

"Mmm. Thank you for being like that looby. Yes. Goodbye."

"Bye."

I walked my bike back up to the girls' house. I felt, and still feel, like crying my eyes out. I'm a bit concerned about going to this techno night tomorrow because mdma makes what one feels inside more clear and apparent. Drugs are not escapism, they're about intensifying experience and self-knowledge, and I wish I could have a night dancing with the wordless joy Trish made me feel until this evening. When I arrived at hers on Thursday I gave her a card, which amongst other things said that there is this track I like called A Beautiful Beginning. "I hope this is ours."

And now the stew is ready and I'm going to serve it up for the girls and go upstairs for a sob. Kitty and Wendy will help me, I know.

9 comments

Comment from: Isabelle [Visitor]

Oh Looby, I’m really sorry, I hadn’t seen that coming . I’m glad you’ve got Kitty and Wendy, I’m sure they’ll be able to see it in a different light and make you feel better xxx ( crap comment I know, but well, you’re a tough’un, you’ll get through it )

Sat 1st October 2016 @ 16:57
Comment from: Jo [Visitor]

So sorry to hear about your breakup. You seemed so happy. Big hugs.

Sun 2nd October 2016 @ 12:11
Comment from: looby [Visitor]

Thank you both, very much. Isabelle – it would be nice not to have to be so tough sometimes. But you’re right about Kitty and Wendy. Bumped into them this afternoon and they’ve got a different and helpful perspective on it, which I’ll go into next time.

Jo – it was very short, but very sweet!

Sun 2nd October 2016 @ 17:24

Well, that’s rough trade and I’m sorry to hear it, but at least she didn’t torment you for a long period of time and then dump you. She was rather adult about it.

You’ve got some fire to walk through. Stay grounded as best you can.

Mon 3rd October 2016 @ 11:54
Comment from: kono [Visitor]

That’s what we call being blindsided now innit, chin up mate, shit always hurts and then fades, except maybe that little kernel we keep for the we hours of the morning when we play the re-run of our existence in our minds, then it will hurt much less and feel almost good, of course i can’t help think that with her for lack of a better word, instability, that your phone yet might ring it’s just you’ll have to accept then that it’s just sex and not sex and something else, but i feel for you sir, we rough and carefree sorts can still be hopeless romantics and when the romance is cut short it stings, it more than stings…

And your line about drugs is spot on, while some may use them for escapism (and many do) there are some of us who use them for exactly what you said, to intensify experience and gain self knowledge by opening doors… you’ll be alright my man.

Mon 3rd October 2016 @ 13:39
Comment from: furtheron [Visitor]

Sorry to read this mate - hope you bounce back soon

Mon 3rd October 2016 @ 14:10
Comment from: looby [Visitor]

Thank you, peeps. It’s 6am. The mornings and the nights are the most difficult, when I start uselessly re-running everything that happened. Every time the phone goes I hope it’s her. I hope she does contact me, but I can’t possibly contact her now. That would be to abase myself. Trina’s done that repeatedly and you lose respect for the person.

I don’t know why I’ve suddenly changed. A while ago a purely sexual relationship would have been fine, but I can’t see that working with Trish, despite the fact that I fancy her, very much, in a way that I found liberating and exhilarating.

I know in one way it’s best to end it sooner rather than later if it’s not right, but we were having such a great time.

Tue 4th October 2016 @ 06:08
Comment from: J-P Stacey [Visitor]

Oh, best wishes, Looby. I’m back from a conference and only just catching up on this. You’re right to hold off, I think, but it’s hard.

Tue 4th October 2016 @ 13:17
Comment from: [Member]

Wish it was J-P :)

Tue 4th October 2016 @ 14:52


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