You're fucnin dumped. Really.

This will have to be done in parts because I've got to get the girls' tea ready, but Trish has just dumped me. You're fucnin dumped, indeed.

I am absolutely distraught. I feel like just crying and crying. I know how important the sex was but there really was something more to it for me, when I stared into her eyes after sex, wondering how I had ended up with a girl like her, thinking how wonderful it is to have feelings for her that went beyond her sexual attraction. I loved being introduced in her local as "my new boyfriend".

I texted her this afternoon. "I wish you were here. Failing that, I'm going to be in Manchester tomorrow. Do you think I could come round late afternoon? I'd have to get off at about half ten as this [techno night] is in Ancoats."

"No not tomorrow."

I waited as long as I could - fifteen minutes -- for her to elaborate on such a bald statement, but nothing arrived, so I texted her again. "OK that's a shame but OK," Eventually she replied "I've been really ill, still am."

I rang her. "Hiya, what's the matter petal?" "I'm really ill, I have been since yesterday. I don't ever want to touch that stuff again. I'm shaking." "Oh fuck." And then, a lurch I hadn't at all seen coming.

"Looby, this isn't a decision I've taken lightly, but I want to end it here. My feelings for you aren't going to develop beyond this. It's reached its limit. I'm not going to feel anything more than this for you, and it's not enough."

I was stunned. My breath became unreliable. When I'd gathered myself a little, I said that I appreciated her honesty. "I understand what you're saying. I just felt that there was a possibility for something good with us. I am absolutely distraught Trish and I'm going to off for a cry now, but I understand what you've said and appreciate you saying this now."

"Thank you looby."

"So, there's nothing more to say, is there? Trish, I will always think of you fondly, and I have loved every minute of us being together, and I will only ever feel fond of you in the future. I'm absolutely devastated Trish, but if you can't reciprocate feelings it's never going to go anywhere. I understand." I was on the point of tears.

Silence.

"So this is goodbye isn't it?"

"Mmm. Thank you for being like that looby. Yes. Goodbye."

"Bye."

I walked my bike back up to the girls' house. I felt, and still feel, like crying my eyes out. I'm a bit concerned about going to this techno night tomorrow because mdma makes what one feels inside more clear and apparent. Drugs are not escapism, they're about intensifying experience and self-knowledge, and I wish I could have a night dancing with the wordless joy Trish made me feel until this evening. When I arrived at hers on Thursday I gave her a card, which amongst other things said that there is this track I like called A Beautiful Beginning. "I hope this is ours."

And now the stew is ready and I'm going to serve it up for the girls and go upstairs for a sob. Kitty and Wendy will help me, I know.