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My daughter writes a sketch about wanking

  Sat 14th March 2020

Spent last week at Cheltenham Festival giving myself the best chance of catching the lergy. Eleven-hour shifts where I carried heavy crates of glasses into and out of the bar, over and over again.

I stayed with my brother in his large flat in the private school where he teaches. I was allocated his wife's sewing room, which is littered with inspirational quotes on postcards, a hectoring wall of reminders about how God understands your weaknesses, how one should always be kind, how one can't change the past but your self-redemption can start now. Substitutes for thinking. I caught the same bus in the morning with my nephew, who went and sat away from me, which astonished me.

I was working in a big upstairs viewing room where they had to pay £1500 a day to get in (£2000 on Gold Cup day). We had a bloke there who'd won £11 million on the lottery and was having his seventy-eighth birthday. There was a compere who went round betweeen races, taking the jovial piss. "So Charles here, he's making the most of his win, as he's in a high risk group." Stuart Pearce the ex-England player was there. "He's played in quite a few semi finals, so he's a bit of a loser really."

There were these "hostesses" who looked after a couple of tables each. They were in their twenties, kitted in tight red dresses and being asked if they were married. Large screen TVs between races showing previous hostesses smilingly serving drinks. I picked a betting slip up off the floor for a losing bet of £600.

Met Jenny, my middle daughter, who's struggling through the last months of her course at the theatre school. She's homesick, misses her sisters, class-alienated. "I can't keep up with a lot of their conversation. I've never been to Austria skiing." She was saying about some of her fellow students' farce book posts. "You know, leaving a partner, moving away...all these things that people say are difficult. It's not bravery you need to do something, it's money."

I asked her if she had any projects of her own. "Well, I don't know, it sounds a bit weird saying it to your dad..." I opened my hands. "Well, we've written this duologue between a girl who's never wanked and one who has saying, 'well, don't you think it's a bit weird, never to have had a wank?' I laughed and we started discussing the venues where they could present it.

Had a job interview on Monday with a utility company doing admin. I was so confident I'd got it I didn't open the email for a while. "Whilst you interviewed well..."


Comment from: Scarlet [Visitor]

No, I’ve never been skiing in Austria either. Or skiing and to Austria separately.
All those Italy skiers brought back a lot of bugs, didn’t they *narrows eyes*.

Wed 18th March 2020 @ 14:22 Reply to this comment
Comment from: looby [Visitor]

Both the unis here closed yesterday so thank God we’ve got less shouted conversations, some of which mention Austria and skiiing, to be rammed down our lugholes.

Wed 18th March 2020 @ 18:52 Reply to this comment
Comment from: kono [Visitor]

All the best writing is done about wanking… and rubbing elbows with Stuart Pearce, you know i have a football problem, ex City manager and England U21, i do believe i read an article about how he decompressed by screaming Sex Pistols songs so maybe he’s not all bad, lol! Stay safe my friend.

Thu 19th March 2020 @ 13:37 Reply to this comment
Comment from: [Member]

Wanking’s the world’s most common form of sex, so it ought to have a significant place in literature.

Stuart looked a little the worse for wear on the free booze, but only slightly worse than he used to look on the telly.

Mon 23rd March 2020 @ 11:02 Reply to this comment
Comment from: daisyfae [Visitor]

i live a fairly privileged life - and yet i can not get my head around someone pissing away that much cash for a festival. the lottery winner? i hope he got laid that night… stay safe as you can.

Sat 21st March 2020 @ 23:49 Reply to this comment
Comment from: [Member]

No, I wouldn’t bet £600 on a horse if I had it to waste.

If you’d seen the lottery winner you’d see that it would have had to be a very gentle form of sexual exercise.

Mon 23rd March 2020 @ 10:59 Reply to this comment
Comment from: [Member]

Wanking’s the world’s most common form of sex, so it ought to have a significant place in literature.

Stuart looked a little the worse for wear on the free booze, but only slightly worse than he used to look on the telly.

Mon 23rd March 2020 @ 11:04 Reply to this comment

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