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A drive

  Fri 31st January 2014

I've just been out with Barry and Chris, who got it together at my NYE party. I've known them separately for some time. I think they're both gorgeous and I sometimes imagine being Chris's pornographic photographer. I like telling a girl what to do, without giving her any option or choice or say about what type of sex will now happen. I like depriving a woman of agency. It wasn't the dominant theme of the evening, but I always end up talking about sex when I'm with Chris. She's got this sexual energy, a drive. I think having sex as a drive, as something which is at the core of your person, is natural, but there are very few people with whom one can talk about it--just normally, not making a big exceptional category of it. It's almost impossible with men, who often ridicule women who like sex, a displacement of the male fear of the libidinous woman which drives (different sense of the same word, same force) a great deal of the misogyny in everyday life.

It's been so nice since NYE, getting a bit closer to them both. I feel privileged that a couple of days before a very big operation to do with Chris's cancer, that they chose to spend a night in the pub with me. It's lovely how he looks at her, his mixture of fascination, surprise, simple enjoyment in her company, and lust; all of us talking without thinking about what we say but picking up on interesting things.

They're all coming to Kitty's party in three weeks' time. Barry is doing the music; he's got this enviable collection of funk, jazz-funk and disco, on vinyl. I told Chris, "even if you're laid out drugged up and senseless post-op on the sofa, you've got to come." She said she wants to, as something to look forward to. I'm looking forward to it too. Every single day, I think "we're all going to die." But before then, let's just roll up the banknotes, or train tickets, and have lots of sex and get another pint in.


Comment from: Leni Qinan [Visitor]

Funny thing that women who like sex are ridiculed while men that do are praised. I hope Chris’s operation went well and she recovers soon. So for now, let’s eat, drink and be merry.

Sat 1st February 2014 @ 21:23
Comment from: Hipster Yaya [Visitor]

I prefer Carpe Diem to Memento mori, dear. It’s more positive, I think.

Sat 1st February 2014 @ 21:26
Comment from: [Member]

It’s not right. What an interesting world it would be if women were granted the same sexual licence as men.

I think it’s good to seize the day, although it sometimes suggests a degree of effort I can’t be bothered with.

Chris’s op is on Tuesday. She reads this so she’ll be aware of your good wishes.

Sat 1st February 2014 @ 22:04
Comment from: [Member]

i never felt the need to have a licence. when i had far more drive, i was quite intimidating to many man - which served as a good filter. if they can’t handle the sense of the drive, then they sure as fuck won’t be able to handle the actual sex…

Sun 2nd February 2014 @ 20:01
Comment from: furtheron [Visitor]

I wish I’d meet a woman who wanted sex and had drive like that…

should I admit that? Well I have so that’s that - though to be honest I’m so inept with the opposite sex I’d balls it up in no time if I was ever in that position

Sun 2nd February 2014 @ 20:32
Comment from: furtheron [Visitor]

Oh I meant to say - why do men dismiss women who want sex? I don’t get that at all - I hear it but I don’t get it

Sun 2nd February 2014 @ 20:33
Comment from: smallbeds [Visitor]

Oh, yes, best wishes to Chris. Being in hospital is at least good practice in one specific way for the most sordid of parties: knickers very much optional.

Sun 2nd February 2014 @ 20:56
Comment from: [Member]

Good job Daisyfae and Furtheron didn’t meet when they were younger then :)

I’m having my twenties now. My twenties were mainly sexless. Not sure why. Timidity? Now, I love flirting. It’s the best game adults can play. And sometimes one or other party does lose their knickers.

SB: Thanks–she’s just emailed me some old pictures of our internet meets from twelve and more years ago!

Mon 3rd February 2014 @ 12:14

I flirt like it’s my last day on earth. I’m an expert at it but there’s never any follow-up. My drive got up and drove away. I knew it would happen when I got older but I didn’t think it’d happen this soon.

Mon 3rd February 2014 @ 12:46
Comment from: [Member]

To me, long term relationships kill good sex. I suppose you just have to decide whether the compensations are worth it. I’m doing it in reverse. I’ve had my years of sexual boredom already.

Also, it’s a constant joy to me to discover that I really fancy women my own age or older. One of my male friends, a little older than me, I’ve almost stopped going out with him because he makes these toe-curlingly embarrassing passes at women in their twenties. I cringe, being tainted by association.

Here’s a recent report on a regrettable phenomenon: “Less than a quarter of over-50s satisfied with their sex life”.

Mon 3rd February 2014 @ 13:02
Comment from: Hipster Yaya [Visitor]

A very interesting and self explanatory page, indeed. (Or perhaps it has a secret password?) ;)

Flirting is a skill and as such, it can be learned. None of us are born knowing how to bring any man/woman to his knees with just a blink. It needs a lot of practice but if you try hard, you may get your mojo back.

Mon 3rd February 2014 @ 22:40
Comment from: Hipster Yaya [Visitor]

I was talking to Mr. Pain. This situaction reminds me of Austin Powers struggling to get his groove back.

Tue 4th February 2014 @ 14:55
Comment from: [Member]

No-one struggles to get their sex drive back. You choose to do so. The people that “struggle” are the ones who have settled down in a sexless long-term relationship, with its compensations, but who privilege the financial and other forms of stability it provides, whilst imagining themselves as highly sexed people, but in situations which will never actually occur.

Thu 6th February 2014 @ 23:09
Comment from: Hipster Yaya [Visitor]

Sorry Looby, but I disagree. Some even take all sort of crap to get their sex drive back.

Whether they struggle or decide to do so… I don’t think one possibility excludes the other. Just my opinion, dear.

Sat 8th February 2014 @ 12:19
Comment from: [Member]

No, perhaps it’s not so black and white as that. Just that I come across lots of men my age who repeat a trope of an imagined wonderful sex life. “Well do something about it then rather than standing here and talking about it.”

One quite radical option for these men would be to restart a sex life with the wife, but that’s a bit far out for some blokes.

Sat 8th February 2014 @ 12:46
Comment from: [Member]

Anyway, what’s so brilliant about a great sex life? Wanking is great and should be considered a great sex life if you can do it well.

Sat 8th February 2014 @ 18:27
Comment from: "Chris" [Visitor]

Was lovely to see you too and thank you so much for introducing me to “Barry” :-)

Tue 18th February 2014 @ 23:58
Comment from: [Member]

Well, that developed in a fabulous way I didn’t anticipate, and very glad I am about it too. Excellent “Chris"–and the NYE gang (more or less) will see you both on Friday! x

Wed 19th February 2014 @ 09:35

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looby, n.; pl. loobies. A lout; an awkward, stupid, clownish person

M / 60 / Bristol, "the most beautiful, interesting and distinguished city in England" -- John Betjeman [1961, source eludes me].

"Looby is a left-wing intellectual who is obsessed with a) women's clothes and b) tits." -- Joy of Bex.

WLTM literate woman, 40-65. Must have nice tits, a PhD, and an mdma factory in the shed, although the first on its own will do in the short term.

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