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Shadowed

  Tue 6th November 2018

I met up in person this weekend with an immensely patient user of this blog's platform who spent several hours with me finding what I had done to break this blog. Unfortunately I've accidentally deleted the posts I added on a subdomain since the last entry here in May, so here's a truncated version of my eventful summer.

After an involved and costly process, funded by the meagre balance available in Bank of Mum, I secured a job in Bristol. This required drawing up a almost entirely fictitious cv, two online assessments, two overnight trips to Wiltshire for an assessment day and a drugs and alcohol test; a nerve-wracking wait for my criminal records check to come back, and enlisting Helen and Erica to write made-up references for me -- after all this, I landed a job which involves pushing a trolly up and down a train all day, the same job I had when the children were little.

I had only a weekend to find a place to live, and last week moved out of the first place I found. It honed the word "unfurnished" to new extremes of sparseness, with not a table, nor a chair, nor heating, nor a kitchen. Someone in the house remonstrated angrily with me one morning for moving the bed so that my eldest could stay over one night; later that day all my underwear and shirts disappeared off the line. As it is all but impossible to get into the garden from outside the house, I assume it was Mr Angry, who once told me that he had five hundred rounds of ammunition.

I share a seventies house in a quiet street with a couple and their cat, which does a magic trick poorly. More about this over the coming weeks.


Unfortunately, what I will remember most vividly from this summer will be the ruination of my friendships with Kitty and Wendy, a catastrophe that I have worked so hard to effect. I drank cider all the way on the four hour journey to Lancaster, then when I arrived there, I got into a completely unjustified angry text exchange with Kitty because I misunderstood where we were meeting. I was all set for stomping off back to Bristol but decided to go up to Kitty's, remembering guiltily that Wendy had made arrangements for her auntie to look after her daughter. I lasted about an hour, before taking drunken umbrage -- at what I can't remember -- and huffily leaving, a picture of ridiculousness.

I was supposed to be staying at Kirsty's that night, who had already warned me not to turn up pissed, so I went and slept down a quiet street for an hour or so, and we managed an evening of pizza and Strictly the civility and pleasantness of which was in almost mystifying contrast to the scene earlier.

This happened two Saturdays ago, and there has been no contact from them since. Kim advised me to leave them alone for a good while. Helen thinks it can be repaired in time. This mess of my own making preoccupies me, and casts a shadow over my new job and house.

8 comments

Comment from: 63mago [Visitor]

Thought you kicked the bucket.

Fri 9th November 2018 @ 16:25 Reply to this comment
Comment from: looby [Visitor]

Hello 63mago. I must correct your absence on my right hand side :)

I managed to break my site and I’m not knowledgeable enough to repair it so was reliant on someone else helping me.

Greetings from a miserable wet London (where I’m at work). Nice to see you again.

Sat 10th November 2018 @ 15:47 Reply to this comment

You’re difficult to keep up with but always worth hunting down. Thanks for leaving a comment over at my place. I don’t know if I’d have seen this post otherwise. Someone left a comment asking about your whereabouts. A nation of fans await you.

I, too, think this can all be repaired in good time. But you have to give them some space for the time being. Were you looking for advice? I’m not sure.

Sat 10th November 2018 @ 20:10 Reply to this comment
Comment from: kono [Visitor]

Since i smoke copious amounts of ganja i’ll offer this stoner wisdom(?) This living thing is like a river, always moving, forever malleable, this raft you sit upon in the middle of this river, a river that is sometimes tranquil, sometimes raging, there are people with you, sometimes on the raft, sometimes on the shore waving, some may fall off (in both tranquil and raging waters) never to be seen again, some fall off and show up in the most unexpected places, but the main thing is to learn how to drive that raft, to navigate the river with the least amount of damage and the maximum amount of goodwill and love, that is what we can strive for… told you i smoke too much gear ;) now i gotta make the boyos breakfast…

Mon 12th November 2018 @ 11:44 Reply to this comment
Comment from: looby [Visitor]

Thank you Exile. I know I don’t make it easy so thank you for your persistence.

I’m always looking for advice. I’m incompetent in many areas of life and need more level heads to tell me what would be the best thing to do. Your advice concurs with that of Kim, who is a woman who talks sense and doesn’t hold back.

kono – I would hate to lose Kitty and Wendy from my liferaft. I really really don’t want to push them overboard but if I don’t get a grip on my drinking I will.

I like your segue from stoner to parental breakfast maker.

Mon 12th November 2018 @ 22:34 Reply to this comment
Comment from: daisyfae [Visitor]

Like the others, i was a bit worried - but am glad that you are still on the topside of that raft. Seems that the calmness of your current rooming arrangement - even if the cat is lame with the magic tricks - can provide a good foundation for your rebalancing act. Work. Eat. Sleep. You master those three things as a start, and you’ll be in a better position to tackle the hardstuff. i agree with the others - be patient with Wendy and Kitty. Give it time. Focus on Work, Eat, Sleep for now…

I’m glad you’re here.

Mon 19th November 2018 @ 20:56 Reply to this comment
Comment from: looby [Visitor]

Thank you daisyfae. Certainly doing the work and sleep thing. Diet could do with a bit of improvement and the house is a big step forward. Maslow’s lower levels are being ticked off slowly.

Things have inched forward with Kitty and Wendy. More on that story soon :)

Tue 20th November 2018 @ 11:43 Reply to this comment
Comment from: Jonathan [Visitor]  

Looby- glad you’re still out there. I did keep up intermittently with the since-May stuff on the sub-site thingy (found it somehow!), but this here Gay Nazi Sex Vicar Lawnmower place is Loobynet’s natural home for me and always will be.

Damn shame about the stuff with the Lancaster girls.. as for any words of wisdom, I think it’s all been said up there, not least by yourself! Keep on top of those various fundamental things, as best you can (sure there’ll be the odd blip, we’re only damn human!) and you’ll start climbing up Maslow’s ladder like a resurgent Stockport County in pursuance of a National League North play-off spot, you’ll see.

Thu 22nd November 2018 @ 21:26 Reply to this comment


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looby, n.; pl. loobies. A lout; an awkward, stupid, clownish person


M / 54 / Bristol

"Looby is a left-wing intellectual who is obsessed with a) women's clothes and b) tits." -- Joy of Bex.

WLTM literate woman, 40-65. Must have nice tits, a PhD, and an mdma factory in the shed, although the first on its own will do in the short term.


There are plenty of bastards who drink moderately. Of course, I don't consider them to be people. They are not our comrades.
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