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Small improvements

  Tue 20th November 2018

I went to Lancaster just for one day, to see Fitbit. The day and early evening fell into an old pattern. The first theme, and the longest, far exceeding the point at which a development or modulation would be welcome, is The New Boyfriend.

A more interesting and varied one follows, albeit with many quotes from, and variations on, the first appearing within it. The coda comes suddenly when The Old Boyfriend turns up. At which point I am ignored -- with the occasional sop in which she pops over and asks me if I am alright. Once your friend is repeatedly asking you that, the evening's over. I was irritated, but managed not to mention it, and made my farewells friendly this time.

Talking to Kim a couple of days later, she was describing the boorish behaviour of the pub landlord with whom she had a dalliance a few weeks ago, and said "I don't expect much. The bar's quite low for a boyfriend of mine." "So I fail to make even that, do I?" I didn't say. The little injuries we can inflict on each other with not the slightest malice aforethought.


Kitty sent me a card, saying that whilst she's still my friend, she has to keep me at arm's length for a while. She's overloaded with work and she's got her daughter to think about. She said that for the time being, she can't be doing with such a high maintenance friend.

It ended optimistically though. She said she'd like me to be her "equal, for fun times and confidences." My heart did a little leap at that. And what I have to do is so simple: "Just be a decent person when we meet."

I sent her a letter, partly thanking her for yet another act of undeserved generosity, but mainly aiming at something anecdotal and light. A couple of days later some friendly "night night" type texts. And to end the week, Wendy texted. "...I couldn't fall out with you for long, even though you can be such a tit Xxx." The high I felt from that was drug-like.


But why stick to drug-like? I began the microdosing experiment yesterday. I followed the dosage midpoint recommended by James Fadiman, the psychiatrist who pioneered research into therapeutic uses of microdosing. It started with a familiar slight weakness in the legs and a mild wooziness, a desire to nest into a thick quilt with a cup of tea and a cow biscuit.

A couple of hours in and I was texting Wendy, who was round at her dad's, with brief updates on progress. "No, not by any means wasted but I think I'll reduce it in the future. It's just a bit too lovely :) Like you! Xxx" "The giggles are looming. This is definitely too high, in more ways than one! ... Everything seems a bit comical."

A couple of hours later I had to go to work, where I successfully tiptoed through a bit of a minefield. I was serving four Jewish property developers who wanted to pay by card, except that I didn't have a card machine available, so I asked them if they could rustle up the cash, whilst silently resisting the urge to make any jokes about four Jews being short of money.

5 comments

Comment from: kono [Visitor]

You know i think that dose was just right, lol!! in fact if it were me i’d up it the next time, of course that’s just cuz i’m partial to the psychedelics though, been reading a ton that relates to that subject, the use of them anyway and one of the theories posited is they keep you looking and feeling younger, i’m inclined to agree…

And the other day i tried a strain called Alien OG that got me so scoobied that i went from sweating to shivering in the span of ten minutes but when i came out the other side it was brilliant, the whole time the mind was like a well oiled machine, lucid and racing, if only i could have gotten out of my seat to write the things down ;)

Thu 22nd November 2018 @ 14:19 Reply to this comment
Comment from: looby [Visitor]

The effort involved in writing about it can kill the experience. I stopped texting Wendy and her dad fairly quickly because of that. I can tell them afterwards. I find as soon as I try to concentrate on anything the feeling goes – which is quite a good thing if one is at work or being arrested or something. I’d love to have sex on acid.

It’s interesting you talk about that new strain of dope. The feeling of teetering on the edge of laughter all the time is something I’ve had with low levels of both dope and acid.

Next dosing day is tomorrow, but I will cut it to 7µg I think. I can’t be laughing at the absurdity of our enactment of social norms whilst at work. Enjoy your time with the aliens!

Thu 22nd November 2018 @ 22:31 Reply to this comment

I’m glad to see an update and even happier to see there is forgiveness in the air. A little more time is all that’s needed. That’s all that’s EVER needed. Think about it. What problem has’t been eventually solved by the passage of time. Works every time.

Here’s an article in the New Yorker by a writer who microdoses. It caused quite a fit when it was published.
https://www.newyorker.com/culture/persons-of-interest/how-ayelet-waldman-found-a-calmer-life-on-tiny-doses-of-lsd

Sun 25th November 2018 @ 03:04 Reply to this comment
Comment from: daisyfae [Visitor]

i’m curious how the microdosing experiment goes - we met a young man (20’s) who was quite knowledgeable about LSD, and he shared that he had developed a microdose process for working (software development). Said that everything for him becomes clearer, more logical and manageable… i hope to do some experimentation in the future (now that i never have to piss in a jar again!).

Glad that your friends are still connected - as Exile said, time, time, time…. it will help, especially given your self-awareness and efforts to address some behavior issues that caused your friends stress!

Sun 25th November 2018 @ 17:28 Reply to this comment
Comment from: looby [Visitor]

Yes, there’s no need to dress it up. I act like an arsehole when I’m drunk. I used to *drink* but not get drunk.

I’ve read the Waldman article, which is unsatisfyingly short of detail.

It’s early days – a week in, but this, together with Kitty and Wendy’s forgiveness….it’s promising.

Wed 28th November 2018 @ 15:28 Reply to this comment


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looby, n.; pl. loobies. A lout; an awkward, stupid, clownish person


M / 54 / Bristol

"Looby is a left-wing intellectual who is obsessed with a) women's clothes and b) tits." -- Joy of Bex.

WLTM literate woman, 40-65. Must have nice tits, a PhD, and an mdma factory in the shed, although the first on its own will do in the short term.


There are plenty of bastards who drink moderately. Of course, I don't consider them to be people. They are not our comrades.
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Tell me, why is it that even when we are enjoying music, for instance, or a beautiful evening, or a conversation in agreeable company, it all seems no more than a hint of some infinite felicity existing apart somewhere, rather than actual happiness – such, I mean, as we ourselves can really possess?
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